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| Oh, the Angst! |
Good “Sunday before the Super Bowl Sunday” Morning, all bodies.
My wife and I had a fun time yesterday at the WYES-TV Antiques Showcase where the experts were on hand to assess real value of your antiques. The event is not part of that PBS Monday night series, “Antiques Roadshow”. Which got me to thinking as I stood in line to have an Art Deco lamp appraised, how much fun it would be if I was dead, but returned to earth to hear an appraiser’s comments on one of my paintings that someone bought at a garage sale.
I say this because on that “Roadshow” series, the appraisers seem to know, personally, all of the historical styles and personalities and quirks of every artist that ever painted in a particular time frame. And naturally, the artist has long since passed away. His or her art is now valued at some ungodly price, and at times, for an ungodly piece of crap, aesthetically!
Kinda pisses me off.
Anyway, I also had a giggle or two with the thought of personally bringing one of my paintings, framed and signed, to “The Showcase” be appraised. What would they say to me in person not knowing that I’m the actual artist and that I am not yet dead!
Sometimes, I crack myself up!
So, let’s pretend it is one hundred years later and one of my pieces is being appraised.
Patron: “I don’t know. The owner said their mother owned the piece and had it framed and hung in the master bathroom for years.” Apparently, she felt ashamed to love the piece the way she did and didn’t want anyone to disparage or belittle her taste in art… Weird, huh?”
Appraiser: Well, sir, for all the abuse it may have received in that location, it is in good condition with no signs of water, humidity or damage from soap bubbles. In our investigations, we found that the mother only used Ivory Soap!
Patron: Wow… Really?
Appraiser: That’s correct, sir. You know Ivory Soap is still ninety-nine and forty-four one hundred percent pure!”
Patron: “Still?”
Appraiser: “Yes… Still!”
Appraiser: “Can you tell me how much you paid for it?”
Patron: “Yes, twenty five dollars and thirty-four cents! I asked the owner if he knew who the painter was, but he said he didn’t know.”
Appraiser: “Well, sir, I’d say you got a real bargain here… with or without this damaged, Bondo repaired and slightly discolored varnished frame. What we have here is a classic Ben Bensen III painting created in the late 1970’s during his deepest and darkest period as he struggled with his addiction to Hubig Pies.”
“It has never been proven that he mixed the lemon pie filling with titanium white and acrylic gesso, but our investigations into Ben’s palette, at that time, clearly shows the genius of doing so.”
Patron: “Gee!”
Appraiser: “Yes, indeed! You may notice that at this time the subjugation of his brush strokes is purely in line with his intense need to put aside and crush his demanding ego and lay prostrate amongst the paint. It was in this “humble” period that the painting you own in your hands for $25.00 was created.”
Patron: “Wow!”
Appraiser: “Yes, Indeed. Much later in his career, forced to change his style by his rejection of that gluten laden paint recipe, created a real comeback for the man. His “Under The Causeway” series of watercolors is a true triumph. Mixing salt water with fresh water from Bayou Chastaine changed the way many artists now work as well as a whole new way to fathom what we perceive as deep.
Patron: “Gee, that must be something to see.”
Appraiser: “Quite!” Just owning a print of one of the watercolors from the collection, could finance your kid’s education!”
Patron: “No kiddin’…”
Appraiser: I’m sure that you’d like to keep this undiscovered jewel as your own. But, should you decide, for any reason, to part with it, maybe, donate it as a museum piece for all to enjoy, you need to know the details. Personally, I’d appraised this marvelously historic painting at $250,000.00 and insure it for over $1,000,000.00.
Patron: “No way… no way! That’s amazing… that’s absolutely incredible,” he says slightly aghast at his good fortune, which is a hallmark staple of the show!
Appraiser: “Yes… Way!”
Patron: “Hey Honey, c’mere. You know that Louie Vuitton calf skin leather bikini you’ve always wanted? Buy it… and then, book that trip to the French Riviera we’ve always wanted to visit. We be rich, now!”
And, God bless that masochistic pie eating Ben Bensen III guy. What a sap for his art he was, though he did have exquisite taste! And bless, the garage owner that owned him and hasn’t got a clue… about art!”
Appraiser: Indeed…
It was a fun and informative morning and leaving with lagniappe like granola bars, donuts, coffee, finger sandwiches and mimosas, was a hit!
First cup!
Copyright 2023/ Ben BensenIII
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